Hold On
by aghostofasmile
Summary: For a prompt by katiktwilight on castlefanficprompts on tumblr: "Alexis tells Kate how much she means to her" Set a month after Castle's disappearance in For Better or Worse. Posted today in celebration of #castlefanficmonday :)
There are days when she just manages to keep herself together. She can smile at the right times and say the right things to the right people. She keeps the broken pieces of herself inside and handles the absence like she's handled many burdens before. She keeps going.

Then there's days like these.

She doesn't know how she used to do this without him. The distraught young woman in front of her is inconsolable when Kate tells her about her father's fate. Her own emotions aren't held at bay as easily and she yearns - even though it's been four weeks and she _knows_ it's not going to happen - for his comfort. She wants his smile to warm her heart, she wants the cup of coffee on her desk to be his. She wants to go home and feel the hand on her shoulder, steering her towards a hot bath with bubbles. She wants a quiet night together to soften the harsh reality.

She keeps it together somehow.

Her days don't end at the precinct. They always end the same. She heads to her apartment and stares at the board she created. She refuses to think of it as 'murderboard'. Pouring over articles and news feeds, she tries to find something, _anything_ , to solve this. To bring him back.

Everything comes up empty and none of her contacts have anything to report.

So she has to give up. Every night she stares at the bed in her own bedroom. It's tempting to just curl up then and there, but she can't. She made a promise a long time ago and plans to stick to it the best she can.

She drags herself onwards, out of her apartment, to the loft. The loft that is his, and not - yet? - hers. The loft that holds everything that reminds her of him. It weighs on her, being there, and at the same time there is no place she would rather be.

She's met by silence when she creeps in late that night. Alexis and Martha have gone to bed already.

She toes off her heels and leaves them on the shoe rack near the door. Heading towards the kitchen she sees a note sticking on the fridge door.

"We (I) cooked, there is a plate for you in the fridge!

xoxo Alexis"

The message makes her smile. She touches it, then lets her hand fall at her side. She's not hungry enough to actually make the effort to heat up anything, so she takes a small plate and settles for a packet of crackers instead. Hardly a supercop meal, but at least she's eating.

Everything is silent except for the noise of the city outside and the low hum of the fridge. She closes her eyes for a few seconds, breathing deeply.

Today marks a month. A whole month of missing. She thinks of all the things they've tried to track him down. Of all the waiting for something to give, something to happen that will make sense of all this. Every detail of that day passes her by, every little thing she knows of his disappearance. It's hard not to let it overwhelm her. Her hands are clammy and the weight on her chest is pressing down. She clenches her fists and inhales deeply, holding the breath for a few seconds and letting the air out slowly. She sits like that for a few minutes and then gets up to put her plate in the sink.

Kate heads for the bedroom and doesn't bother turning on a light, takes off her clothes and leaves them in a pile on the floor to deal with later. She forgoes brushing her teeth in favor of just crawling into the bed that no longer smells of him.

She imagines him being right there. She thinks about what he would say to her. And she imagines herself telling him: "I'm trying. I'm here."

She feels so tired she doesn't even have the energy to cry much, but she can't help the few tears escaping her eyes in that moment right before she falls asleep.

It's still dark when she wakes. The clock on the nightstand tells her it's only 4 am. Kate sighs heavily, giving up on sleep. She knows it won't come anyway. She throws the sheets to the other side of the bed - his side - and looks for something to wear. She slips out of the bedroom door, dressed in an oversized shirt and leggings, thinking about coffee.

She wakes up crying. There is a wet patch on her pillow and her heart is racing. She was dreaming about her dad, she knows that much, but all she remembers is seeing him, being near him. The rest of the dream is only a vague thing she can't quite hold on to.

She lies awake for a few minutes just staring at the ceiling and tries to keep her sadness inside. She fights off the fear of not knowing where he is, if he's even alive. It's hardest at night, when everything is quiet. When she notices that outside of her own busy world, there's no dad around being loud and energetic. No one to distract her from thinking.

When Alexis first considered the mortality of the people around her she had thought that losing them would feel like her heart had been ripped out. Heartbroken. A stabbing pain and crying until her tears were gone. But all she's felt since that phone call, that moment when Kate paled and said 'Yes, this is she,' is fear and a sudden emptiness. Sad doesn't begin to describe it.

A half an hour later, after trying to get back to sleep and failing, Alexis gives up. She grabs her phone and a book and heads downstairs.

It's not the first time she's met with the sight of Kate already sitting on the couch, cup of coffee in hand, but it is the first time the lights aren't even on. There's something about her sitting there that tugs at her heart. It's not right. Nothing about this is right.

She turns on the light on the lowest setting.

Kate looks up from her corner on the couch and gives her a smile. "Hey," she says quietly.

Alexis approaches but avoids her gaze. She's afraid of meeting that same hopelessness she is feeling right now. She tries to be cheerful.

"Goodmorning, Kate."

"I made coffee. Want some?"

Alexis scrunches up her nose. "It's not even light out. I'll make some hot chocolate."

Kate nods and looks down at her empty cup, then back to Alexis, a pleading look in her eyes.

"Hot chocolate for two, coming up," Alexis says with a grin, dropping her phone and book on the couch before heading to the kitchen. A minute later Kate follows her and settles down on a barstool to watch her.

There's a little bit of Castle in her mannerisms as she goes about the task. Keeping a piece of chocolate for herself before the rest of it goes in the milk on the stove. Sniffing the cinnamon before adding it. Humming a song Kate vaguely recognises from the radio. It's comforting.

Alexis pours their drinks into fresh mugs and then looks up, eyebrows raised. "I'm assuming you want marshmallows." She doesn't wait for an answer and drops a few in each mug.

They take their drinks back to the living room and sit quietly for some time, each on a corner of the couch, sipping their hot chocolates and scalding their tongues. The silence is broken when Kate looks up and notices a tear making its way down Alexis' cheek.

"Hey," she whispers softly and shuffles a bit closer, putting her mug aside. "What's wrong?" Though she knows. Of course she knows.

Alexis shakes her head and quickly wipes away the tears spilling over and onto her cheeks.

"Don't mind me, I've just. It's just-"

"You miss your dad."

Alexis looks at her with watery eyes and tries to put on a brave smile. "I do, I really do." She sighs heavily. "Sorry."

Kate reaches out and grabs Alexis' hand. "Nothing to be sorry about." She tries to keep her voice low and soft.

"I dreamt about him just now," Alexis says, not looking at Kate. "He was just there, it just so. It was _dad_ and it felt so comforting. And then when I woke up it just. It was just gone and he's still _gone_."

There's desperation in her voice and something in Kate breaks to hear it.

"We're doing everything we can -," she offers but Alexis interrupts squeezing her hand, "Oh I know, Kate, I know. You're doing everything and it means the world. I just." She hesitates before she continues, "Sometimes I wonder if there's still somebody to find."

She says the last bit with the tiniest voice, but it's world shattering in its frailty. For Alexis to lose faith is unacceptable to Kate. Kate, who's lost so much already, who needs to hold on to every shred of hope there is left.

"He's out there and he will come back," she says with a firmness in her voice, not knowing where it comes from but suddenly believing herself all the same. Alexis looks at her then and smiles, squeezes her hand again. "I don't mean to lose hope. Dad is always one for fearless optimism in the face of hopelessness. It's just," she sighs, "So hard to keep it up."

Kate nods. Every day she wakes up and she wonders how she does it. How she doesn't just give in to desperation and crumbles. "I don't," she starts and she looks down at their hands, they seem to be holding on to each other for dear life. "I don't know what I would do if - . He's everything I've got," she says simply.

"Kate," Alexis, puts her mug down, puts her free hand on top their joint hands. "If he doesn't come back…" and she shakes her head at Kate, who's ready to protest.

" _If_ he doesn't. You still have us. You still have me."

He's everything. She shuts her eyes and thinks of what she stands to lose. If he doesn't come back, if she doesn't find him, where does she stand? Who is she? What is she going to do?

As if Alexis knows what she's thinking, and she is perceptive like that sometimes, she urges, "Kate, look at me." Kate meets her eyes, bright blue and earnest. "You're not alone. You still have us. You still have me. I want you to know that if he doesn't come back, you still have me."

For that strength to come from a person so young, it's remarkable and Rick would be so proud.

"That works both ways," Kate chokes out, meaning it. She's not doing this for a long ago promise, or rather not just for that. She cares about this family and she will care _for_ his family in whatever way she can. Even if she's just a broken person right now, she knows she will rise up when she needs to.

"I know things haven't always been good between us," Alexis starts and Kate wants to interrupt, but she holds up a hand. "Let me say this. I know we've talked about it since, and I know you've forgiven me, but it bears repeating. No one made - makes my dad happier than you, and to know that he's loved is everything to me. I just wish I hadn't added any burdens to your relationship. You've always supported me, even through my worst decisions."

"Are you talking about Pi?" Kate asks tentatively.

Alexis shrugs, "I think I meant well and at the time I was following my heart and doing what I thought was right, but in hindsight it was all wrong. And I put dad through so much." Her voice breaks at the last word and Kate reaches out to stroke her hair.

"Alexis," she says, "What's done is done, you have only made your dad proud throughout your life, the little bumps in the road don't matter."

"I could have had so much more time," she says quietly, tears running down her face.

"Alexis, no don't think like that," Kate says softly but she knows what it's like. "If I could take back all the times I fought with my mum, I would, to just have a fraction of more happiness. But it's just how life goes. I didn't understand it then, but I understand it now. Kids are going to make mistakes no matter what you do, and it's your job as a parent to let it happen. It can get ugly and you miss out on time, but it's a part of life and I promise you, your dad wouldn't want you to worry about those moments at all. He forgives you and when he gets back you'll have so many more chances of happiness with him, I promise you that."

Alexis smiles at her through her tears. "I'm just happy you're here," she says and gratefully sinks into Kate's open arms.

"Everything will be fine," Kate murmurs as they hold on to each other.

"I know."

"Whatever happens."

"I believe you."

"Okay."

"Thank you," Alexis says as she lets go. "For everything. Not just for being the woman my dad loves, or for doing everything you can to get him back. For being here for me. For caring about us."

"Alexis," Kate says, a little lost for words, "Of course, I mean. I couldn't be doing anything else."

Alexis grimaces, "Seeing as my own mother couldn't be here for me longer than a couple of days, I really don't take your presence for granted."

Kate frowns, "I'm sorry about that."

Alexis shrugs, "She's just. Mom."

They're quiet for a little while, both lost in thought.

"Kate?"

"Yes?"

"You know I care about you too, right?"

Kate smiles at her. "Yeah, I do."

Alexis nods. "Good." Then she announces, "I'm starving. I'm making breakfast."

Kate protests, "I'm not very hungry."

Alexis raises her eyebrows at her. "You didn't even eat the plate I made for you, did you? You're having breakfast."

She gets off the couch and drags Kate along with her. The sun is peeking right over the horizon as they work in tandem to put together their food. There is a sense of camaraderie in the air as they move around each other. Something inside Kate eases. Even when she feels like her world is ending, she knows she's not alone.


End file.
